I
smear my lips with red chili pepper,
Salivate
between my short breaths.
Biting
hard, the searing taste reassures me
Of
iron within my dream of hot pursuit.
I
wake up in a sweat,
Pour
my head into a bucket of water.
Clamp
down my nose and mouth
Counting
one, two, three . . .
I
stand upon my head,
Feel
the welts on my soles.
Welts
course through my brain and erupt.
A
crown of thorns pierces my temples.
My
thighs give way under the weight of bullets,
My
first realization of how many layers pain can exist in.
But
numbing as it is to try to live
In
your body, to live what it lived, lives . . .
I
wonder whether I have it in me
To
some day see your body as only yours
And
mine as mine alone.
But
I don't want that, I don't
Want
to be left alone.
It's
pathetic, I know;
A
sick mind makes the real absurd.
It
scares me shit
To
imagine that numbness.
How
can I not follow you,
How
can we not be in this
Together?
First
published in Kashmir Lit, October 2014.
