As
a journalist, a writer, a poet or as someone invested in gender
issues, if I am invited to speak publicly, there is often a pattern
to the sequence of events that unfold. There are aspects of
internalised conditioning that I have to work against to publicly be
as full and true a version of myself as I want to be.
If
I am the only woman on what would otherwise have been a manel, I
wonder if I have been invited for the sake of tokenism. A grassroots
activist organisation called me for their programme once on short
notice saying they are all men and that they need “some woman” on
stage. At times like these, I sit down with myself to believe that
maybe it is some effort, however small, made by the organisers to be
diverse. I have to remind myself that what I am going to share comes
from the work I have done, however limited, and from my lived
experiences. And that since sharing this has resonated with people in
the past and encouraged others to speak up, it is important that I
continue to do so regardless of the organiser’s agenda in inviting
me. In fact recently I came across an excellent tweet where the woman
is aghast at being invited as a gender diversity showpiece. Then she
remembers how men have been getting so many invites for ever simply
by virtue of being men. This calms her, and me, down.
On
these public occasions, I remind myself of my school days when I
spoke too fast because I was, as so many women are, afraid of taking
too much time or space. This was despite encouragement by teachers
who had read my articles in the local paper and had thus asked me to
speak in the morning assembly. But in writing I could quietly put my
thoughts out there and withdraw; in speaking I had to convince myself
and a full school playground that my words were worthy of their time.
My friends in the audience used to gently tell me that I seemed
hurried, and that they would have liked to hear more from me. When I
recall this today while being on stage, I slow down and learn to use
the time allotted to me, even as I marvel at how most men around me
leisurely exceed the time limit. I remember an exceptional case, a
poetry event when I used up all my time while the men finished
sharing their works in a shorter duration. I look at these instances,
or occasions of taking a couple of additional minutes, with a mixture
of guilt and embarrassment at having got “carried away”, and
exhilaration at having finally claimed my time and space.
Once
I am off the stage and if people I do not know come to compliment me
on my words, I am reminded of all the times my confidence was
labelled as arrogance. I try extra hard to prove to them that I do
not think too much of myself. I labour to appear
as polite and humble as I feel. From the point of qualifying or
rejecting others’ compliments to realising that it is disrespectful
both to them and to myself, I have now reached the stage of biting my
tongue and saying a tight thank you, and then worrying about whether
I would have struck the other person as being too cold.
When
it is a man praising
me I listen with bated breath hoping he won't ask for my number
(unless for a clear, work related purpose). If he doesn’t, I am
relieved. If he does, I give it because I do not want to be rude.
Later I am angry with myself for buying into the notion that my
concern about not being harassed (arising from experience) is less
important than a man’s feelings.
The
next time it happens I say no, and offer my email instead. The man
notes down my digital address and gives me his phone so I can punch
in my number, as if he never heard my no. Ironically, my talk at the
event where I was the only woman on the panel was on listening to
women’s stories rather than imposing our stories on them. The man’s
dogged pursuit of my number while ignoring my own consent makes me
feel like once again someone is trying to force me to link my Aaadhar
number with every shred of my identity. As I wonder if I would have
to get a Supreme Court order to make his volatile effervescence
subside, my friend approaches me and subtly fixes my sari palla
slipping off my shoulders. I am suddenly aware of all the people, all
the men around. I am now too tired to think and don’t want to get
into an argument so I end up feeding my number. I return home
frustrated with myself again for having caved in, for not having
stood up tall enough, long enough for myself while I had aimed to do
that for other women in my speech. I get some semblance of a closure
only when he calls me up later and asks to meet and “just chat
about stuff”, and I respond with a terse no and hang up and block
his number.
I
am a feminist, I am 33, I am called to speak on issues concerning
women, I am perceived as bold and outspoken by many. Yet I struggle
to occupy space, to take time, to say no without explaining or
apologising, to make people believe in my humility. The most taxing
part of my feminism is not fighting others but resisting my own
conditioning. Through poems I write, plays I act in, reporting I do
and books (like The
Courage to be Disliked)
I read, I am constantly schooling myself that I can be who I want to
be, that I do not have to be who I am supposed to be according to
gender roles.
So,
while meninists would like to believe that our claws are pointed at
them, the truth is we are more engrossed in a nail biting battle to
peel away our own conditioning. For the longest time, this truth used
to piss me off. Eventually, as promised, it has started setting me
free because this phenomenon reiterates that patriarchy is not a
monster coming at us whose head needs some slaying. It is a
claustrophobia inducing tent that covers all of us, getting hotter
with global warming, one that needs to be deflated from within. And
if I ever get on pins and needles facing it again, I want to prick it
right in the gut and say, “Yes, I have a number and no, I won’t
give it to you,” and walk away and without stressing about whether
my gait would be seen as haughty.
First published in Firstpost, 9 May 2019.
God bleess
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